I wrote this yesterday after I peed on a pregnancy test and then was very, very sad.

This is fertility. Don't fucking look away. It's not all baby names and "knowing" which time you made love resulted in conception. This is fertility, I say, not infertility. This is fertility because it is not easy for everyone. Because you're not abnormal if it doesn't happen on the first try, or the fifth, or the twenty-fifth.

I often doubt myself about how much I share on the Internet. I fear that, especially in retrospect, I will regret having made private struggles so public.

But I also can't worry about hindsight. I can only think about now, about one foot in front of the other, and this road that feels long even though I am only 31 and this is supposed to give me hope.

Hope is the thing with feathers, said Emily Dickinson. Well. Either it's flown or is molting. I just feel bitter. Resigned. Trapped. I hate my current life. I hate trying. I hate testing. I hate waiting. I hate hoping.

I want to be one of those obnoxious people who goes off birth control and reveals pregnancy to be a lark rather than an odyssey. "We weren't trying, but we weren't not trying."

I hate how simple it is for some. Or maybe I hate how not simple it is for some. Not sure, it's a little confusing. But I definitely hate. I am filled with hate, and I am fucking telling it how it is because fertility is not all baby showers and fucking onesies with paws and bear ears on them.

It's just not.